It was a little bit of a rough week last week. It has been one year since we lost our little Baby J. The following is a re-post from our private blog about the events of January 2011. We felt like you should know about Baby J because we loved her and she is a very important part our lives (I felt Baby J was a girl). I don't know why I did it to myself, but I read through my journal last night about those devastating days and also about the happy days while I was pregnant. I was one happy pregnant lady. Even though I wasn't far along, I would sing and dance with Baby J in the shower. We had a hard time getting pregnant with Baby J and I was so grateful about everything, I was even glad when I threw up one time! Adam was a very caring and understanding pregnant daddy. One time during the pregnancy I just broke down crying because we left my new pj pants at my parent's house! Adam never made fun of me, he just comforted me and understood.
This isn’t easy to write about, but we figure we have to do it sometime. We never thought we’d have to write something like this, never imagined that after all we had been through something like this could happen to us. Baby J is no longer going to be coming to bless our lives. I guess that Heavenly Father decided Baby J was still needed in Heaven.
One week ago today Adam and I went in to the doctor for a check up because I had had a tiny bit of spotting the day before. Nothing to worry about… we thought. There was no way to predict the news that would meet us there. We weren’t able to meet with our regular doctor because he was in Disney Land with his family, so a total stranger got to tell us that our baby had died. He was unable to find a heart beat through my belly and after an abdominal ultrasound, a vaginal ultrasound, and additional abdominal and vaginal ultrasounds, the news was confirmed. Baby J had stopped growing at 9 weeks… just days after our first healthy ultrasound, and 2 weeks before we would even find out. Baby J no longer had a heartbeat, movement, or any blood flow. Our precious baby was gone in the blink of an eye and our lives were changed that quickly too. The next day I had a D&C and Adam and I have been trying to recover since then.
There have been a lot of tears and a lot of heartache. So far the only things that have brought me comfort are the facts that they finally relented in not just throwing my baby away in the trash, and a quote by Joseph Smith, “All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection.” According to the doctors, this happens with a lot of first pregnancies and we should be glad because we are still young. Well, as helpful as this is supposed to be, it is not. That doesn’t fix a thing or answer any of my questions. We’re trying to keep moving on though. Adam is back in school this week and our tears are lessening. My goal this week is to get up and get dressed, lofty, I know. I have even ventured out of the house twice.
We are grateful for all of your love, prayers, and support. Mom, we couldn’t have made it through the last week without you. You’ve been a great support with company, food, laundry, and dishes. Jill, Cooper, and Amelia, thank you so much for the card and the cookies… they brought tears to my eyes and meant so much. Kent and Karen, thanks for dinner and keeping in touch. May you all be blessed for your service. Adam and I love you all.