Our Loss, Heaven's Gain

Spoiler Alert: THIS IS A SAD POST
 

You may have noticed that our blog recently went through a name change. It seemed to be a fitting change because it seemed like all of our dreams WERE coming true. At the beginning of November (ironically right after our adoption home study renewal) we found out that we were pregnant. We took 3 tests for proof. What an unexpected miracle! At a very unexpected time! Not only had we just renewed our home study, but Adam was going to be living in Utah for an internship for 6 weeks. Really?!

But, the miracle came with unexpected feelings for both of us. I would say that we both were a little traumatized from our experience with Baby J. I wanted to be ecstatic, but I have to be honest in saying that I felt a little numb. Was this real? Would this last? Would this pregnancy be different from last time? What about our adoption dream? 

I had already reconciled with myself that I would NEVER get pregnant again, NEVER give birth, and NEVER breastfeed. We figured there was a different path for us. Plus, I was scared out of my mind. We both were, but Adam put on a brave facade. I was scared to open up my heart. Scared to dream. Scared to have hope. Scared to get attached.

Little by little I was getting excited. I was opening up my heart. I was trying to have faith and hope. We were trying to come up with a name for the baby so that we didn’t just have to call it BABY for months. I had purchased a few maternity clothes. I had pinned bunches of announcement ideas, gender reveal ideas, ect on secret Pinterest boards. We even started telling people. We wanted to be careful, but we wanted to make sure we had support if something happened. At the Thanksgiving get together we asked for a family fast and family prayers. Friends, family, and coworkers were praying for us and our names had been put on the prayer list at multiple temples.

This is the announcement we were going to use to tell our good news. I tried to rotate the picture, but it wouldn't stay that way.

We had every reason to think that this pregnancy would be different, but being me I couldn’t shake the WHAT IFS. I was working closely with my doctor. I had priesthood blessings. I was taking progesterone. I was getting off of my anxiety medicine. I was constantly praying. I was taking things easy. In the end though, we still miscarried. 

This miscarriage seems different than with Baby J though. Maybe this time we were stronger and better prepared for the miscarriage that came just 2 days after Thanksgiving. It is just so crazy. This pregnancy was almost exactly 3 years after we had been pregnant with Baby J. It lasted almost the same amount of time too.

Although we feel like we are handling this miscarriage better than last time and we don’t want to suffer in silence, we aren’t really ready to talk about it either. I didn’t talk to my mom for a full day.

I am trying not to think about things and trying to be positive. I am grateful that I had a chance to be pregnant again. I am grateful for an awesome husband who loves this infertile Myrtle even when he wanted to have a house full of kids. I am grateful for great family, a great ward, and great neighbors. I am grateful for people being understanding and waiting for us to be able to talk about things. I am grateful for our kind doctor. I am grateful for the kind note and gift from my Relief Society president and for the tulips from the girls at work. I am also grateful for our two children in heaven. I guess now Baby J won’t be lonely. We will have a little family waiting for us in Heaven, we just need to keep living our lives with them in mind. UNTIL FOREVER.